Question

I married my wife out of duty over 45 years ago after we learned she was pregnant. Even though my wife is a wonderful woman, we’ve gone through the motions in the marriage. 

Seven years ago, I delivered the eulogy for a childhood friend. As I sat down, the woman seated next to me clasped my hand and said, “Good job.” I was married, and she was not. After the funeral, I contacted the woman who held my hand. We ended up having a seven-year affair. She had two bad marriages, we never fought, and it was a physically and emotionally satisfying relationship. 

She wanted more and I told her that I would not leave my wife. I also told her that one day someone would come along and fulfill her needs and when that happened, she should go for it. Well, it happened. She abruptly broke off with me. I know I should be happy for her. The suddenness has left me depressed.

The man she married was someone she had dated over 50 years ago. He evidently said all the right things and now she is in love with him. What’s your take on this?

Answer

This would be much easier to discuss if we were sitting across from one another. It’s difficult to get a read on your situation because I believe I’m missing a significant piece of information. I can’t detect any remorse for the long-term affair you had on your wife of 50-plus years. I don’t even know if you’ve told her about it. It’s difficult for me to know what you need.

Are you wanting me to help you grieve the loss of an illicit relationship? Or are you wondering how to repair things with your wife? These are two very different questions. I will speak plainly with you to help you clarify what you want to do going forward. 

I can certainly understand that when we form a bond with someone, even a forbidden bond, it still impacts us deeply when we lose that connection. You allowed yourself to enter a competing attachment seven years ago with a woman who isn’t your wife.

It sounds like this became your primary attachment and you now feel more devastated by this loss than losing the connection to your wife. 

I understand that you claim to have married your wife out of duty. That may have been the noble thing to do 50 years ago when you ended up in an unexpected situation. However, did you care about her when you were sexually active with her before you were married? Marrying someone out of duty is risky, especially if you have no intentions of building a loving relationship with them.

You may have married her out of your integrity to right a wrong, but what happened to your integrity in caring for your marriage all these years? You chose to stay with her, but it’s not clear if you chose to build a marriage with her. There’s no honor in staying married to someone while neglecting them. All I hear in your description of your marriage is blame, passivity and victim thinking.

Truthfully, it all sounds like the common justifications people use when starting affairs.

All affairs are driven by failure of integrity. They are full of deception to self and others, including the affair partner. Have you told your wife about the affair? Have you any interest in repairing things with her? Regardless of how you handle things with your wife, this is an opportunity for you to confront your own patterns of integrity abuse. 

I encourage you to consider the integrity abuse patterns outlined in your question above. I only point these out so you can stop deceiving yourself and others. Here are the ones I see based on the limited information you’ve given me:

• You married your wife when you didn’t love her.
• You tell me you respect her, but you disrespected her by cheating on her.
• You don’t show any signs of guilt or remorse for your infidelity.
• You told your affair partner you wouldn’t build a life with her even though you stayed in a relationship with her.
• You told yourself you were committed to your wife and wouldn’t move on with this other woman after not being committed to your wife for all these years. 
• You are hurt that she believed you and moved on.
• You present yourself as noble, caring and thoughtful, but your actions show otherwise. 

If you want to feel better, I encourage you to become a man of integrity. It’s important to self-confront the different ways these patterns are showing up everywhere in your life. You have some tough questions to face, and I hope you’ll do the work of repairing the damage you’ve done to yourself, your marriage and your family.

If you only worry about how this impacts you, then you’ll never find actual healing. We can’t heal when we’re incongruent. I encourage you to work closely with a professional to work through these blind spots and begin repairing the damage you’ve caused.

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