ST. GEORGE — Although America has set aside Nov. 11 – Veterans Day – as a time to honor its military community for their patriotism, love of country and willingness to sacrifice their lives for the common good, it’s often the parents who shoulder a high emotional and spiritual price from the loss of their child.
In grief, many have bonded as Gold Star Families, a phrase that dates back to World War I, when military families displayed service flags featuring a blue star for every immediate family member serving in the Armed Forces.
The star’s color would be changed to gold, representing the death of a parent, husband or wife, son or daughter who gave the last full measure of devotion to support and defend the U.S. Constitution.
Though the exact roots of the tradition aren’t totally known, it was during World War I that the gold star came to symbolize that a family member had fallen in battle. The tradition seeks to ease the grief of families while reminding everyone that no one truly serves alone.
“A man is not supposed to bury his child,” Michael Klasno said. “It should be the other way around. It was devastating to me and to the family. It’s not the way it’s supposed to have been, but it’s the way things turned out.”
A heavy equipment driver assigned to the California National Guard’s 1114th Transportation Co., Sgt. Rhys Klasno, 20, was killed in Iraq on May 13, 2007, when an improvised explosive device blew up near his vehicle in Hadithah.
“It wasn’t a shock when he joined,” Klasno said. “But Rhys was that kind of guy. He always said if not him, then who? When he joined, I thought he’d be pretty safe. Who knew at that time the Guard was going to carry the bulk of the weight in Iraq.”
According to the National Gold Star Family Registry, there are approximately 473,000 Gold Star Families representing family members serving in World War I, World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War as well as other more recent conflicts.
As reported by the Military Times, since 9/11, more than 16,000 troops have died under non-combat circumstances and an additional 7,000 died from combat-related injuries in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Rhys was a good kid,” Klasno said. “He was happy-go-lucky. He’d be the first person to volunteer. He always stood up for the underdog. He was that guy. He was a great husband who would have been a great father, leaving behind a pregnant wife. I was very proud of everything he did, and I still am to this day. I wish I could have had him around a lot longer.”
As part of the grieving process, Klasno formed Gold Star Dads of America more than a decade ago. Although he is closing down the organization, he said it has been important to keep moving forward.
“As a man we have always been taught to suck it up and not to cry, but you can’t do that. You have to be there for your wife, your other children, friends and family,” Klasno said. “Have a good cry. Remember as the years go by that when you are talking about your child, the tears you shed are no longer tears of sorrow, but tears of the memory of a great son or daughter. Their death was devastating, but their lives meant something and should be celebrated.”
When we think of a grieving family male and female roles are somewhat stereotypical, said J. Scott Janssen from Social Work Today.
“The situation seems familiar, “Janssen said. “A woman in tears, openly expressing her pain, wanting to connect with a male partner whose impermeable stoicism has left her feeling alone. A man, his heart breaking on the inside, confused amidst a world shattered by loss, locking his pain behind a wall of silence (and isolation), unsure how to express vulnerability or receive support.”
Men are known to mourn by:
- Avoiding thinking about it.
- Visiting cemeteries more often than women.
- Replacing / re-marrying rather quickly.
- Trying to take action or resolve a death by launching lawsuits, investigations or autopsies.
Women are known to mourn by:
- Calling friends on the phone and talking about the death.
- Using social media to express themselves.
- Hosting or attending repeat gatherings honoring their loved ones.
For Southern Utah resident Lt. Col. Jerome Gourley, grief is something personal.
“Everyone’s grief is different,” Gourley said. “It isn’t a one-size-fits-all. Each father, mother, brother or sister has to deal with the loss on their own terms.”
| SunRiver St. George, Utah, May 28, 2018 | Photo by Ryan Rees, St. George News
On Feb. 22, 2006, Jerome Gourley’s son, 38-year-old Army Staff Sgt. Gregson Gourley, was killed in Hawijah, Iraq, about 150 miles north of Baghdad when a roadside bomb detonated near his Humvee during patrol operations. Gourley was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 327th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division.
“I am a little hesitant using the word ‘celebrate his life through his death,'” Gourley said. “Yes, we honor our son and his sacrifice, and not just for our son, but all the boys and girls who have given their lives.”
Greg Gourley’s military career spanned nearly 17 years. And he served two tours in Iraq. He was the recipient of numerous military awards and citations including the Bronze Star, Purple Heart and Meritorious Medal.
“As a man, it’s hard not to isolate yourself after the loss of a loved one,” Gourley said.
To those suffering, he said: Take counsel in people who bring solace, become part of a service organization whose members share similar challenges and do whatever you need to do not to become mired in loneliness.
“Life moves on and Gold Star fathers, mothers and families need to move on with life as well.”
The death of a son is one of the hardest things to endure, Jerome Gourley said. To him, it seems like yesterday that his wife called and asked him to come home from a doctor’s appointment.
“That was a black day,” he said. “I had been recovering from a bad bought of pneumonia and in the doctor’s office when the chaplain and his assistant knocked on our door at home. My wife Judy called me and said that I had to come home.”
Jerome Gourley hesitated at first, saying the doctor was running late and had just got in to see his patient, but his wife insisted he come home.
“When I got there the chaplain brought the bad news, not only to the Gourley family, but three others,” he said.
Also killed in the roadside bombing was Sgt. Rickey Jones, Pfc. Christopher Marion and Pfc. Allan Morr.
“Greg knew what he was getting into. He knew the risks … but it turned out that he loved it, he loved being a soldier a lot. He did counsel with me a little bit but came to his decision – to join the Army – with his wife. It was their decision to make, not mine. The day he died was a black day for everyone.”
For more information follow the links provided: U.S. Department of Defense – Military Community Support, America’s Gold Star Families, the USO, the Military Times, TAPS, the American Legion, Veterans of Foreign Wars and the U.S. Veterans Affairs.
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