FEATURE — You may have been taught that anger is bad – something to get rid of as quickly as possible or something to bury or control. I don’t know about you, but I have felt a lot of confusion around this negative emotion at various times in my life. I have come to learn that anger is like any other emotion; it is my teacher. The question for me is this: Am I willing to learn?

A visual that has really helped me personally and professionally in my work with clients is the “anger iceberg.” When you see an iceberg, it appears to be sitting on top of the water. You only see the summit. What you can’t see is that most of the iceberg is hidden beneath the water.

Anger is like this. You feel the intensity of emotion or see the outburst of emotion from another person, but the contributing emotions remain hidden under the surface. So instead of anger, a person might actually feel embarrassed, scared, grief-stricken, shamed, tricked, overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed, disgusted, distrustful, grumpy, stressed, attacked, rejected, helpless, guilty, trapped, nervous, anxious, triggered by trauma, annoyed, exhausted, disrespected, unsure, envious, disappointed, lonely, offended, uncomfortable, worried, insecure, regretful or hurt.

You might wonder why it is so important to identify these more specific emotions. It is simply because you want to address what you feel so you can resolve it. Remember that unresolved anger festers over time, creating illness in the body and mind.

Here’s a really helpful way to guide yourself through a turbulent time of angry feelings:

• Give yourself a space of quiet time – maybe 15 minutes.
• Lie down and get comfortable.
• Ask, “What is this that I am feeling?”
• Don’t try to answer the question. Instead, just breathe, listen and wait.

After a few moments of stillness, you are very likely to receive an impression, a thought or maybe a memory. Don’t judge these as they come up; just observe. Be a good student by allowing the impression, thought, image or feeling to play out. Let it teach you! You might find, for example, that a feeling of helplessness is what comes over you. That’s great, as you’ve now identified the actual feeling that is surfacing. This is the key! 

As you identify the actual emotion, you can now ask more questions. What was the first incident that made me feel this way? Who or what told me I was helpless? Is it true? What could I have done or what can I do differently? What will empower me? Who can I call on to help me? Can this situation help me grow? At this point, it is really helpful to journal these questions and answers or call on a trusted friend or mentor to be a sounding board as you talk it through.  

And what if the emotion actually is anger? Great! What did it teach you? It might have taught you that you are intensely passionate about certain things in your life or that you are provoked when an injustice has occurred that needs to be made right. If this is the case, then the anger will propel you to take action – appropriate, assertive action.

What happens when you see an outburst of anger from someone else? I love this quote from Charles F. Glassman, MD. He said, “Usually, when someone is angry, all we hear are their angry words. Instead, try hearing the unspoken, ‘I am scared. I am frustrated. I am insecure. I am vulnerable. I am threatened.’” I fully believe that listening and speaking with the heart is a gift, and I believe each one of us can develop this wonderful ability.

Please don’t misunderstand. While we experience and process our feelings, we must control our outward behavior. During a heated moment, you might really want to punch someone out. But the ensuing consequences will leave you and everyone involved in a much bigger mess. The old adage really is true. Before you do or say anything in anger, take a few deep breaths and count to 10. This just might be the greatest advice of all time!

You are the student. Life is the teacher. Emotions are here to guide you on this earthly journey. Ask for instruction, and then listen, learn, take notes, talk it over with a friend. Let go of all you don’t need while holding onto the valuable lesson.

Take a deep breath and be grateful for this wonderful world that is teaching you about yourself. When anger shows up, let it be a tool to help you read and respond to various situations. Let it propel you forward.

Written by BRIGIT ATKIN, owner of BrightWorks by Brigit.

This article was originally published in the July/August 2022 issue of St. George Health and Wellness magazine.

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2022, all rights reserved.