CONTRIBUTED CONTENT — A mother in our family group counseling at Lion’s Gate Recovery asked me the other day, “Do I invite her home for Thanksgiving?” The reality of the question sinks in when it is contrasted with addiction.
In the realm of “normal,” of course she can come home for Thanksgiving. In the world of addiction, maybe not.
A father had the same question in family group counseling over a month ago. He said that is son was doing well, but that “every time he looks like he’s doing good, he comes home and robs me blind. I have to lock everything up and I feel trapped in my own home. I don’t know what to do when he’s in my house.”
This is a common dilemma all year long with a family that has been suffering from addiction.
Twenty years ago, I may have instead written “when a family has an addict or alcoholic as a loved one,” but today, we recognize that the family has an addiction problem even if they’re not the ones using the drugs or alcohol. The problem is pervasive throughout all aspects of the family. When a parent or spouse is concerned about having someone around because of the consequences of their behavior, it’s a problem.
In family group counseling, we impress upon the group members that the issue is not going to go away or get better immediately with a pill. While a loved one who is in our treatment centers may get clean and sober one day at a time, that doesn’t mean everything is all better. Recovery is not an event; it’s an ongoing process with many ups and downs, left and right turns.
One of our alumni family members calls this process an “alternate universe” he had never known existed before his daughter came to treatment and he started attending family group counseling. Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, spouses, friends and acquaintances are usually not aware that they have been drawn into a parallel universe. In this world, love is turned into despair, fear, anger, isolation and frustration.
The disease of alcoholism and addiction has one course: to isolate and kill the spirit. We are not only treating a physical problem, but we are also dealing with spiritual bereavement. There is no immediate fix.
When you are placed into a bind or dilemma, it’s important to remember the four C’s as illustrated by the phrase: “You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Cure it, you don’t need to keep Contributing to it and you cannot Control it.”
The list of questions that arise when considering the amount of help given to try and solve a problem that is chronic and pervasive is extensive: “Do I bail them out again?” “Should we invite them to Christmas?” “Is this amount of money going to really make a difference in their life?” “Are their children going to suffer if we don’t step in?”
Family education and support are particularly important during the holidays when it comes to addiction in the home. This time of year doesn’t have to be so painful. Get your loved one into treatment, and come to family group counseling and learn how to get back to some semblance of “normal.” The holidays need not be a reminder of helplessness. They are the season of peace, love and hope.
Written by AARON WARD, Lion’s Gate Recovery.
• S P O N S O R E D C O N T E N T •
Resources
- Lion’s Gate Recovery
- Locations: 260 W. St. George Blvd., St. George | 535 S. Main St. #2, Cedar City.
- Telephone: 866-471-9476.
- Website.
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