Question
My husband has asked me to stop talking about our marriage and other family issues with my girlfriends. What is your opinion about this?
I think it’s important for me to be able to talk about things with my friends. I don’t make my husband look bad, so I’m not sure why he’s so worried about this.
I feel like he’s trying to control me and tell me who I can and can’t talk to.
Answer
As a rule, I think it’s a bad idea to talk with friends and family about your marriage issues. However, I think it all depends on what you’re sharing and why you’re sharing it with others. Perhaps your husband is picking up on something you should slow down and consider.
The biggest reason I think you should be careful about sharing your marriage woes with friends and family is that it’s more likely you won’t feel like talking about the concerns with the person who needs to hear them the most. You need to be understood, but if your husband never gets a chance to hear where you’re coming from, you’ll not feel connected to him again regardless of how much understanding your friends and family show you.
There are times when it makes sense to open up to someone outside of your marriage. That person should be a friend of the marriage, have good boundaries, keep information confidential, and encourage you to work things out directly with your husband.
Processing with a friend or family member can help you get some clarity about your feelings and needs that will help you communicate better with your husband. However, if your friends and family become a dead end in your quest for understanding, you will only feel more resentful toward your husband.
When you share marriage needs with others before taking those feelings to your husband, it dilutes the strength of your message. In other words, you may have some strong feelings about something important that your friend may either play down or discourage you from sharing with your husband. If it involves your husband, he deserves to hear it from you in all of your passion and sincerity. A friend or family member cannot judge the value of a concern or need pertaining to your marriage.
Another concern you’ll want to consider is the risk that family and friends will have a bias against your spouse long after you’ve resolved the issue and moved on. If you share something he said that was hurtful or insensitive and you share it with them, it will likely change the way they see him or interact with him. Long after you’ve let it go or forgiven him for his behavior, they may still hold on to those feelings toward him. They aren’t going to get resolution with him, because they aren’t the injured party. Recognize that innocently sharing a temporary frustration can turn into a permanent wedge between your husband and the other person.
Ideally, you want to learn how to share your needs, fears, concerns, and hurts with your husband directly. Ask yourself:
- Why is this difficult for you to do?
- What role do friends really play in the sharing of your marriage frustrations?
- Are you avoiding talking directly with your husband for a reason?
- Perhaps he’s protesting because he senses that you’re going to the wrong person to work out your concerns?
Your husband might be trying to tell you that he wants to work things out with you, but isn’t getting the chance when you share your important feelings and needs with others first.
I recommend you look closely at your reasons for sharing with others first. If they’re helping you turn back to your marriage so you can share your heart with your husband, then it might be working okay. If your husband senses he’s missing something, slow down and see if he’s right. You can learn how to turn to him and share. You’ll both feel so much better knowing you can rely on the other to work out your most important concerns.
Stay connected!
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Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.
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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.
I completely agree. I have always felt this way. I would also add that spouses ought not to rip on one another to their friends, even light-heartedly. It is disrespectful in any case.
By talking about your marriage you are going to spread a tissue of lies though out the relief society. Then those same women are going to support you when you choose to leave your husband for some schmuck you met in Zumba class. GO FALCONS!
WHY DO YOU ASSUME THAT WHAT SHE TELLS HER FRIENDS ARE LIES? YOU NEED COUNSELING.
If your husband asks you not to talk about your marraige with others ,you should respect his wishes. Its called mutual respect. If you wont respect him,then dont whine when he does not respect your wishes on something. That is the beginning of a marraige unraveling.
One thing is certain. The more you talk about something, the larger the problem becomes. Neither husband, nor wife, should complain about the other to ANYONE, other than the spouse. (Unless of course you are in counseling, then you need to share your feeling with the counselor.)
It is a fact that the more you complain and gripe, the more it wears on your mind, until what was just a minor bump in the road, becomes a major roadblock. You have no need, nor any reason to share what happens in your marriage with your girl friends. You will regret it if you continue this practice.
Married St George mormon women are the most boring women on earth. All they want to talk about is their kids, church, their drama and “the relationship”. They need more exposure to the real world, not the bubble world of St George.
I SECOND THAT.
Author,
You say, “That person should be a friend of the marriage, have good boundaries, keep information confidential, and encourage you to work things out directly with your husband.”
And, “Processing with a friend or family member can help you get some clarity about your feelings and needs that will help you communicate better with your husband. However, if your friends and family become a dead end in your quest for understanding, you will only feel more resentful toward your husband.”
This suggests finding someone with cognitive bias. I firmly disagree. Sometimes our friends see things we can’t. We should find someone who has our best interests at heart, even if it means facing things we don’t want to hear…such as, “he’s a jerk” or “he is wrong for treating you like that and if he doesn’t change then you need to get out of that bad marriage” etc.
Later, you say, “Your husband might be trying to tell you that he wants to work things out with you, but isn’t getting the chance when you share your important feelings and needs with others first.”
And, “I recommend you look closely at your reasons for sharing with others first. If they’re helping you turn back to your marriage so you can share your heart with your husband, then it might be working okay. If your husband senses he’s missing something, slow down and see if he’s right. You can learn how to turn to him and share. You’ll both feel so much better knowing you can rely on the other to work out your most important concerns.”
In my opinion, your arguments here are, first, sexist by suggesting that the husband’s desires, needs or point of view are somehow more valid than the wife’s, and, second, circular by implying that the only successful outcome should be the marriage remaining intact.
OK, that is your opinion. So What?
SO LISTEN UP…YOU PROBABLY NEED THIS ADVICE MORE THAN OTHERS.
I AGREE. THE ADVICE HERE IS SEXIST AND COMES FROM A VERY SELFISH MALE VIEW. SURE, WOMEN DONT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS WITH ANYONE BUT YOUR HUSBAND, THEN HE CAN CONTINUE TO CONTROL WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Its terrible to talk about you and your husband relationship to your friends. Especially since you are not saying good things. Are you trying to get an army against him? People to take your side? You call it control, but what it is is respect. You don’t respect your husband.
OH MY…YOU REALLY DO BY INTO THE IDEA THAT MEN ARE SUPERIOR TO WOMEN. JUST BECAUSE A WOMEN SHARES HER FEELINGS ABOUT HER HUSBAND DOESNT PUT HER LOYALTY TO HIM OR THEIR MARRIAGE IN JEOPARDY. DONT FEEL BAD, YOU DONT KNOW ANY BETTER.
As a guy, I can understand why he would not want you to talk about your private issues with your friends.
He feels that the two of you should be able to work it out amongst yourselves. (Men like to fell like we can handle our own business without any outside help from otherfrom other people. It’s a guy thing.) https://www.facebook.com/groups/relationshiphealth/