What the HAYnes? Crispi bacon, latest in lethal weaponry

HUMOR – Bad news for bacon lovers everywhere – I mean besides the increased risk of obesity, heart disease, and cancer. A perfectly good pound of bacon was used as kindling in a recent alleged arson attempt. On Wednesday, Cameo Adawn Crispi of Uintah County was charged with arson, a third-degree felony.

On March 14, Crispi’s ex-boyfriend contacted police to report that he was being harassed by Crispi with repeated phone calls and text messages. Police responded to the ex-boyfriend’s home, where they found Crispi, who was obviously impaired, and smoke coming from the front door.

As reported Wednesday by KSL: “‘I asked to come in and observed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove,’ the officer wrote, noting that he also found a cookie sheet loaded with a pound of bacon sitting on top of the kitchen stove. ‘I observed the burner to be on the setting “High” and the bacon to be severely burned and smoking badly,’ the officer wrote.”

Police arrested Crispi, who had blood-alcohol content of 0.346, according to the KSL report, and took Crispi to a hospital for medical clearance before booking her into jail.

According to charges, “the doctor asked her about the fire … and she stated she was attempting to start a fire in the house to get back at (her ex-boyfriend).”

To my knowledge, this is the first incident of arson wherein bacon played a key role in the alleged, potentially deadly crime. And it surely will not be the last.

Lawmakers, it is time to criminalize bacon.

Are you aware that roughly 600,000 Americans die of heart disease every year? That accounts for 1 in every 4 deaths. Undoubtedly the criminalization of bacon and other similar high-cholesterol breakfast meats would reduce this risk.

Processed meats such as bacon have also been linked to cancer, which takes the lives of nearly 600,000 people per year. In addition, obesity-related illnesses are responsible for nearly 300,000 deaths per year. These statistics may be inaccurate, but there is no time for accuracy in reporting when we are faced with a threat as ominous as bacon.

Even given these startling statistics, bacon sales continue to soar. In 2013 alone, bacon sales approached $4 billion in the United States. Having achieved nearly cult-like status among consumers, this silent killer can be found in most American homes and wrapped around many American snack foods.

When the facts are presented in this subjective, fear-mongering light, the solution is simple: It is time to criminalize bacon. It is time to make our communities safe with new legislation banning the possession of bacon and other similar, savory processed meats. It is time to get bacon off of our streets, out of our refrigerators and out of the reach of potential arsonists.

There are those who would argue that criminalizing the possession of bacon infringes upon their Constitutionally-protected rights. They would argue that bacon is not a threat in and of itself, and given proper education as to its safe handling, as well as proper government regulation of bacon sales, bacon is harmless. That would argue, “When bacon is outlawed, only outlaws will have bacon.”

They may have a point. But bacon is still scary, right? Just ask Cameo Crispi’s ex-boyfriend.

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Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.

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  • JAR March 30, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Great article. Reminds me of all the great things our forefathers accomplished with the use of cocaine before it was taken off the neighborhood shelves.
    Bacon fat-ugh.

  • mmmbacon March 30, 2014 at 9:48 am

    They can pry the bacon out of my cold dead fingers…….

  • Bub March 30, 2014 at 11:17 am


  • LOL March 30, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    I want to know how I can go about getting a permit to carry my bacon concealed!

  • DB March 30, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    “Bacon doesn’t kill people, people do”…

  • Bub March 30, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    gotta love bacon…..lol

  • Bub March 30, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    … but it’s pretty bizarre that your trying to write a satire likening bacon to firearms. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it is funny in sort of a nutty way 😀

    • Bub March 30, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      I think this could be an argument that Hyde could use in one of his “right to bear arms” rantings. If gubment is gonna ban the guns then they should ban the bacon as well ahahhahahaha.

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