What the HAYnes? There is a reason the IRS is inefficient

HUMOR – With the April 15 tax return deadline looming, many people are wondering what they can do to further procrastinate filing their returns. You have come to the right place.

I do not want to sound braggy, but I am somewhat of a procrastination expert. For example, while postponing writing this column I have been quite productive. I have washed and folded five loads of laundry, eaten most of the leftover jelly beans from my kids’ Easter baskets, watched an episode of “Phineas and Ferb” with my 3-year-old daughter, shopped for new bed sheets, and read two entire books on my Kindle.

I get my best work done when I am putting off what I am supposed to be doing. Think of how productive I will be when my husband and I file an extension on our tax return!

I do not know why most of us struggle with meeting the April 15 deadline. The Internal Revenue Service has made the filing process so streamlined and convenient. Wait, no – it is the opposite of that. Like every other job we have given our government to do, they have turned it into a snarled mess of red tape and being put on hold for 45 minutes if you have a simple question, only to have your call redirected to the wrong person’s voicemail.

I imagine these are the collective thoughts of our federal government regarding this familiar sentiment: “You try keeping tabs on 312 million people! Butting into the personal lives of so many taxpayers is not as easy as we make it look!”

It turns out that the IRS is kind of like Santa Claus in terms of knowing if you have been bad or good. They see you when you’re sleeping. They know when you’re awake. And they are not afraid to skim your older e-mails or Facebook page if they suspect that you are up to something fishy, tax-wise.

That is it.

That is why our government is so inefficient. They are inefficient for the same reason that you and I are: They get online to check ONE person’s Facebook page for audit-worthy photographs, and three hours later they find themselves watering their carrots on Farmville, pinning homemade Chapstik recipes on Pinterest, or reading ridiculous humor columns. I can’t say that I blame them. I would procrastinate ruining someone’s day, too.

All it takes is five minutes on the IRS website to determine that doing jail time for tax evasion would be a less depressing use of your time than filing your tax return – but you did not hear that from me. If anyone from the IRS asks, this is what you heard from me: Elise Haynes loves paying taxes. And she would share her kids’ Easter candy with whoever turns a blind eye to her late tax return and questionable deductions.

Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.


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  • Ken April 13, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    What a weak article, but your photo to accompany it was as bad as your article. Renounce your citizenship and leave if you can’t handle life in the US. I hear Costa Rica is a great place for your ilk!

    • Jon April 14, 2013 at 8:51 am

      It’s a humor column. If you can’t handle it, go read something else. I hear the tax code is an interesting read.

      • Ken April 14, 2013 at 8:00 pm

        Oh Jon if you can’t handle my comment, go read something else!

  • JVSteve April 19, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I personally found this column very witty…like almost all of the What the Haynes columns I have read…glad to have someone with a highly developed sense of irony in this little enclave…keep it up Elise!

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