What the HAYnes? The ‘Looming Deadline’ of all ‘Looming Deadlines’

HUMOR – A deadline looms in our future. I am not referring to the April 15 deadline that we all dread, or the fiscal cliff deadline that we are all fed up with. It is not the December 21 deadline that the Mayans predicted – that deadline has been laughed out of Looming Deadline circles. I am talking about the Looming Deadline of all Looming Deadlines.

I am talking about the dreaded New Year’s resolution deadline.

Has anyone else noticed that for one week at the beginning of every year, every person you know becomes a health fanatic, treadmill-running, budget-crazed, maker of world travel plans? Their motivation, false confidence, and excitement are contagious. They brag about their plans and order their Jimmy John’s sandwich on lettuce instead of bread like they actually ENJOY it that way, even though everyone knows it is nothing more than a waste of perfectly good pressed meat. And then the following week they are just normal people who are full of self-loathing over their failed ambition, eating their sandwich on white bread like the rest of us. Why don’t we end this craziness?

Like anything in life, the key to solving this problem is being rich and paying people to complete your resolutions for you. If being enormously wealthy is not an option, then you will need to go a different route. You need a route that guarantees success with minimal effort.

To ease the consciences of those who feel compelled to make resolutions and yet have grown weary of the inevitable depression that strikes every February, I have compiled a list of New Year’s resolutions that I have succeeded at in years’ past. You will find it virtually impossible to fail at these resolutions.

Do not get pregnant. I made this one of my resolutions in 2010 and was overwhelmingly successful at it. I found that, given proper preparation, pregnancy is a relatively simple bullet to dodge. Especially if you are a guy.

Stop hating cats. Please, do not hate me for hating cats. I do not know what it is about cats that makes me loathe them so – the fluffiness, the little button nose, or maybe it is the general attitude of superiority they have toward human beings. I have made slow progress on this resolution, but I am proud of what progress I have made.

Stop hiding in the pantry to eat cookies. If you do not understand this resolution, then you clearly do not have children. I am ashamed to say that there was a time in my life when I frequently snuck Oreo cookies in my pantry so that my children would not descend upon me like a pack of wild … children. Fortunately, breaking the habit was as simple as unscrewing the light bulb in my pantry.

Do not try to accomplish so much. Sometimes you have to learn to tell people “no,” and sometimes you have to learn to tell yourself, “Eh, that’s good enough.” The genius behind this resolution is in its vagueness. YOU decide when enough is enough. It is impossible to lose at this race because you can move the finish line to wherever you want. Sometimes life is too busy to finish everything we want to do – especially if we have the Mayan deadline looming toward us.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

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Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2012, all rights reserved.

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