HUMOR – I do not know what I dislike most about wintertime – the short, dark days, the frigid weather, or the stark and barren landscape. Winter is quite possibly the most depressing, horrible time of the year, but at least flu season is upon us.
I have recently recovered from enjoying flu-like symptoms for the past four days and, like a war veteran-turned-military recruiter, I am going to share my surefire methods for contracting influenza.
To ensure that your body will not combat the flu, you are going to need to avoid preventative measures recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention such as receiving a flu vaccination. Think of the time and money you will save! The only downside is that you will miss the opportunity of having a sharp, steel needle plunged through your skin and into your veins.
The CDC also recommends washing your hands frequently and avoiding touching your eyes, nose, or mouth – but are you really going to trust this group of “doctors” and “health experts” with your wellness? If, like me, you enjoy a yearly week-long vacation spent lying on the floor of the bathroom, weak with dehydration and wishing for the sweet release of death, be sure to disregard these measures.
To increase your likelihood of getting the flu, you are also going to need to compromise your immune system. This should not be difficult at this time of year. Consuming a strict diet of sugar and fatty foods, as well as leading a sedentary lifestyle will ensure your success. An overwhelmingly stressful situation such as an approaching fiscal cliff, unemployment, or the holidays can also contribute to weakened immunity. If those options fail, pregnancy and being elderly are alternative options – people in these conditions have ridiculously compromised immunity.
Next, spend plenty of time shopping at Wal-Mart. This should not be a problem given the excessive amount of shopping most people have to do at this time of year, and since Wal-Mart provides such a pleasant shopping experience. While you browse, be sure to touch the handle of your shopping cart as much as possible. Really go to town on that thing. Then, purchase a bag of chili cheese-flavored Fritos because you are famished from all of the shopping and shopping cart molestation. Return to your car and scarf down half of the Fritos without washing your hands. Be sure to lick your fingers. You will want to ingest as many shopping cart germs as is humanly possible.
When all else fails, a guaranteed method of catching the flu is by having children. Children are an excellent source of flu germs and they generously share them with anyone who comes within a 10-foot radius of them. If you do not have children of your own, borrow your neighbor’s children or become an elementary school teacher. Those poor people are practically crawling with kid germs.
If none of these methods work for you, chances are you have superhuman genes. This is unfortunate, but on the bright side you probably qualify for some exciting CDC experiments. Whatever it takes to get through the winter, right?
Achoo! to you.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.
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