HUMOR: Did you spend November 7 in tears?

Have you recently posted an inordinate number of rage-filled, vitriol-spewing Facebook status updates?

Have you comfort-eaten a quarter of a Costco pumpkin pie for breakfast every day since Election Day?

Have you considered stockpiling food and ammunition and heading for the hills for the next four years?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, my comments today are directed at you: You, the angry masses of Republicans who did not get what they were hoping for on November 6; you, the overwhelmingly disappointed voters who are going to have to face the smug end-zone dancing of our Democrat friends – for who knows how long?

There is hope. You will survive the next four years. The United States of America might, too. I think the thing that we need most is some perspective and some faith in our country.

In my opinion, the most effective way to restore faith in our country is to watch a movie wherein our can-do American government saves the world from a space attack – something in the vein of “Armageddon” or “Independence Day.” Have we forgotten that when an asteroid the size of Texas was hurtling toward Earth, it was the United States of America that sent Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck into space to save our planet? It was not France. It was not China. It was America. And have we forgotten that when aliens invaded Earth in “Independence Day” it was Will Smith and his fighting American spirit who saved us from total annihilation?

The United States of America is still the greatest country in the world. If you disagree, then it has been too long since you have watched “Armageddon” while drinking a root beer float. We can debate whether one eats or drinks a root beer float later, the point is that our current situation is not so dire as an alien invasion or a globe-killing asteroid. Nothing puts things in perspective quite like a doomsday movie.

Another important lesson to take away from movies like “Independence Day” and “Armageddon” is to never live in a large city. Big cities are always the first to go down when aliens attack, and that is something to be optimistic about. It is always the Statue of Liberty or the Eiffel Tower being toppled by an asteroid, never the Red Cliffs Mall. Even if President Obama is the worst president in the history of the United States and is unable to rally his alien-fighting celebrity friends, you can rest easy knowing that St. George will likely be attacked last, if it is attacked at all.

And if you take nothing else from these patriotic blockbusters remember this: Americans can only save the world from asteroids screaming toward Earth or from alien attacks when we are united. We need to look past our differences and cling to the things that we actually agree on – that Billy Bob Thornton does not make a convincing head of NASA and that root beer floats are a drink, not a food. Also, that stockpiling food and ammunition is NEVER a bad idea.

 

Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

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