What the HAYnes? United we stand, divided we fall to alien invaders

What the HAYnes post-election alien invader
Image by Brett Barrett, St. George News

HUMOR: Did you spend November 7 in tears?

Have you recently posted an inordinate number of rage-filled, vitriol-spewing Facebook status updates?

Have you comfort-eaten a quarter of a Costco pumpkin pie for breakfast every day since Election Day?

Have you considered stockpiling food and ammunition and heading for the hills for the next four years?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, my comments today are directed at you: You, the angry masses of Republicans who did not get what they were hoping for on November 6; you, the overwhelmingly disappointed voters who are going to have to face the smug end-zone dancing of our Democrat friends – for who knows how long?

There is hope. You will survive the next four years. The United States of America might, too. I think the thing that we need most is some perspective and some faith in our country.

In my opinion, the most effective way to restore faith in our country is to watch a movie wherein our can-do American government saves the world from a space attack – something in the vein of “Armageddon” or “Independence Day.” Have we forgotten that when an asteroid the size of Texas was hurtling toward Earth, it was the United States of America that sent Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck into space to save our planet? It was not France. It was not China. It was America. And have we forgotten that when aliens invaded Earth in “Independence Day” it was Will Smith and his fighting American spirit who saved us from total annihilation?

The United States of America is still the greatest country in the world. If you disagree, then it has been too long since you have watched “Armageddon” while drinking a root beer float. We can debate whether one eats or drinks a root beer float later, the point is that our current situation is not so dire as an alien invasion or a globe-killing asteroid. Nothing puts things in perspective quite like a doomsday movie.

Another important lesson to take away from movies like “Independence Day” and “Armageddon” is to never live in a large city. Big cities are always the first to go down when aliens attack, and that is something to be optimistic about. It is always the Statue of Liberty or the Eiffel Tower being toppled by an asteroid, never the Red Cliffs Mall. Even if President Obama is the worst president in the history of the United States and is unable to rally his alien-fighting celebrity friends, you can rest easy knowing that St. George will likely be attacked last, if it is attacked at all.

And if you take nothing else from these patriotic blockbusters remember this: Americans can only save the world from asteroids screaming toward Earth or from alien attacks when we are united. We need to look past our differences and cling to the things that we actually agree on – that Billy Bob Thornton does not make a convincing head of NASA and that root beer floats are a drink, not a food. Also, that stockpiling food and ammunition is NEVER a bad idea.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2012, all rights reserved.


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  • william November 10, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Photo is a good likeness of him, But Obama ears are bigger

  • debbie November 10, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    what is distressing is long time democrate friend that wrote a personally upsetting facebook message declaring their “upsettedness” at my republican posts.. the morning after our vicious loss.. then unfriended me.. but not after letting me know their disgust that i have a child on medicaid and how dare i try to sabatage obamacare that it is not fair they have to pay 6,000 dollars a year for insurance to help pay for our poverty… and my heart is still broken.. i thought that if i passed along a few “kitchen cabinet posts(replublican facebook page posts)” that it would be ok.. but apparently.. i distressed them in such a manor with my “hate” posts.. they felt the need to nix our entire friendship.. I however did not recall personally calling obama names or my friend for that matter.. but to be ridiculed b/c my severely disabled autistic son needs medical…. and i don’t like the way our president handled benghazzi.. i am so distressed over this.. it is so sad.. what if that was my brother or sister or anyone… but anyways, he is my president.. and even though i opted for another.. there is something “dear” about still wanting God to lead him, away from his liberal thinking and stop the socialism he is pushing and to know.. as my president.. i am endeared to him.. just b/c i am mad as a hatter.. doesn’t mean i must wish him the worst.. i wish him all Gods will ….. I pray for the biggest miracle.. for our President.. He has been chosen.. now step up..

    • MShabazz November 14, 2012 at 7:06 pm

      Welcome to the world of American politics. No matter what side we are on, Left, Right. or Center; until we get our act together and stop acting like complete imbeciles (which is how other developed countries are viewing us) then we will NEVER move forward and get along. I’m sorry your child was insulted and that you were insulted, it really is such a partisan world here in the US. It’s sad.

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