What the HAYnes? Marathon training for common folk

Image by Brett Barrett, St. George News

HUMOR – With the St. George Marathon a mere two weeks away, some athletes may wonder how to properly train to run a marathon or how they should adjust their diet in preparation for such a race. And what about proper hydration? Packet pickup? Parking? Buses? Are running shoes necessary or will flip-flops suffice? The answers to these questions are crucial for a runner to be adequately prepared.

I am not going to address those questions today. Today I am going to talk about how common folk can prepare for the St. George Marathon, and by common folk I mean people who are unwilling to run 26.2 miles unless they are being chased by a flock of wild turkeys.

“But Elise,” you are thinking, “can’t turkeys fly?”

You have clearly never been chased by a wild turkey.

Allow me to share a cautionary tale about the danger of turkeys. A few summers ago I lived just outside of Minneapolis. One day, as I enjoyed my early morning jog through the beautiful Minnesota woods, a surly native turkey accosted me. It was at least four feet tall, angry, and had a wattle that still makes me shudder. I jogged faster. The turkey was hot on my heels, obviously serious about defending his territory. He pursued me until I appeased him by exiting the woods and returning to the apartment complex from whence I had jogged.

I left Minneapolis a few months later, relatively unscathed but with burning memories of my encounter with that territorial turkey. It definitely left a fowl taste in my mouth.

Non-runners of St. George, let us learn a lesson from that inhospitable turkey. In two weeks, thousands of outsiders will descend upon St. George to enjoy our scenery via Highway 18 and our Pasta Factory twisty breadsticks on a stick.

Do not be like the turkey. Do not chase the outsiders away, honking and fanning your tail feathers aggressively. Be kind to the outsiders. Try to act normal. It is only one weekend, I am confident that we can pull it off. It is imperative that we do because maybe one of those outsiders owns a multi-million dollar corporation that is in need of a new home. Maybe they will decide to move the corporation to St. George because we are so normal and unlike the hostile turkeys of Minneapolis. Hundreds of jobs will be provided. Our local economy will flourish. And then we will finally get a Trader Joe’s. You see where I am going with this.

Be better than the turkey. Be nice to the runners. Get a Trader Joe’s. It is that simple.

One last tip: Prepare for marathon weekend by hitting the Redbox early. Why? You know how it can be. If you wait until the last minute to rent your Redbox DVD all that will be left in the machine is the generic Shrek knock-off and about twenty empty cases. And because every other person who is intimidated by the prospect of acting normal – even given the promise of Trader Joe’s – is going to spend the weekend hunkered down with a Costco-sized bag of Oreo cookies and some DVDs.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2012, all rights reserved.


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1 Comment

  • Murat September 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I don’t know why people are so reluctant to engage in combat with aggressive turkeys and geese. Running away only emboldens them. I won’t stand for being accosted by fowl and have dealt many deadly blows to their primitive brains. Yes, on a couple occasions I’m sorry to say that children were witnesses and on one occasion I did eat the raw heart of one of the birds to send a message to its friends so as not to be harassed in the future along my roller blade route.

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