What the HAYnes? The Wal-Mart WashCo School District conspiracy

HUMOR –Some readers may be confused when I offer the following news:  Summer is over. This morsel may be hard to stomach for people who will be dealing with scorching temperatures for at least another two months, but it is true.

Ignore the searing heat and blazing sunshine. This is the beginning of the season in which Washington County residents have to lie to themselves daily, they have to tell themselves that it is fall and that summer has passed.

Technically, autumn equinox – the official first day of fall – does not occur until September 22, but try telling that to the people of the Washington County School District. They are so excited about educating our children that I am fairly certain they begin the school year a few days earlier every year. They are tricking all of you. But you haven’t fooled me, Washington County School District. I am on to you.

As with so many other things, the root of the problem lies at Wal-Mart. I have no facts to back up this allegation, only my own shopping experience. Haven’t you noticed the Wal-Mart people began displaying their Back-to-School propaganda around June 1? How about the plastic pumpkins and candy corn that came out in late July? I don’t even want to talk about Christmas in August. Clearly our local school district is in cahoots with this organization and it wouldn’t surprise me if Santa Claus showed up in the classrooms next week.

This is a real problem. I feel strongly about this because I have seen the effects firsthand:

I have seen women wearing tall boots and scarves in St. George in September, subjecthing themselves to a serious health risk when temperatures are in the 90s.

I have seen too many plastic pumpkins and synthetic fall leaves bleached by the “autumn” sun in August.

I just cannot wrap my mind around homework and Halloween when it is 100 degrees outside. And I am not ready to retire my flip-flops.

Brace yourselves; I am about to be subversive. May I be real about when actual autumn occurs in St. George?

It happens either the last week of November or the first week of December. You will recognize it when it happens. The leaves turn brown and fall off the trees during the night. It will be almost chilly enough for pants – almost. And this is usually about the time that the local stores begin peddling red roses and chocolate hearts.

I said it’s a hard morsel to swallow, so by all means, continue to pretend to be enthusiastic about Back-to-School; comfort yourselves knowing one day your children will have lucrative careers and then the means to place you securely in a nursing home. Go ahead and stock up on Halloween candy. Continue to tell yourself it is autumn if it makes school easier to stomach. Whatever it takes.

But we all know the truth. St. George summer is over and fall lasts for one week that typically arrives in … December.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

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Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2012, all rights reserved.

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