EDITOR’S NOTE:  Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. The opinions stated in this article are solely her own and not those of St. George News.

HUMOR – There aren’t many things that I’m passionate about, but there is nothing in this world that kindles my indignation quite like form-fitting, itchy, or binding clothing.  Sure, there are a few things that are a close second place – Saran Wrap, litterers, Matthew McConaughey – but I have a special hatred for tight and/or uncomfortable clothing.  You can imagine my disgust, then, upon reading about an event that transpired at the most recent Couture Week in Paris, France.

Unfortunately, I had to miss Couture Week this year because I was stuck in a small Utah town raising my four children and boiling Top Ramen.  From what I’ve read, fashion designer Stephane Rolland debuted a groundbreaking dress which was worn by supermodel Yasmin Le Bon.  The thing weighed 110 pounds.  One hundred and ten pounds.  It may have literally broken the ground.  It is long-sleeved, red, and apparently, lead-lined.  The model was accompanied down the runway by two male escorts who were supposedly there to carry her train and look manly.  I’m thinking they were also there to keep her from toppling into the crowd.

This dress really gets my dander up, based on my assumption that most mass-producing clothing manufacturers take their design cues from these psychopaths at Couture Week.  Life is hard enough, why does our clothing need to be unnecessarily heavy?!  Aren’t most women obsessed with losing weight?!  So help me, if I see a lead-lined dress hanging from the racks at Target, I vow to spend the rest of my life wearing nothing but Hanes sweatpants and my husband’s enormous t-shirts.  I was thinking of doing it anyway, it would only give me the excuse I’ve been looking for.

This clothing thing has been a hot-button issue of mine for a long time.  High heels?  Skinny jeans?  Neckties?  Why are we doing this to ourselves, people?!  It reminds me of this theory that I have about traffic.  You know those times when you’re parked on the freeway, inching along at maybe five miles an hour and you assume that there must be a car accident up ahead that you can’t see?  You finally creep your way past the worst of the traffic jam, only to discover that there is no car accident, just a bunch of morons slamming on their brakes in unison.  And you think, “If only everyone decided to hit the gas in unison, there would be no traffic.  Everyone’s a bad driver but me!  Ooo, look…In-N-Out….”

Obviously, I’m not an expert and until I figure out where my husband hid my megaphone I have no way of testing my traffic theory.  However, I’m fairly certain the following idea will work:  Can we – humanity – decide in unison to make comfortable clothing socially acceptable?  I’m not saying that we need to be sloppy.  We can look presentable.  And I’m certainly not implying that everyone ought to start walking around in their nothings.  Let’s just do away with the six inch heels, the neckties, and the tight pants.  We can fly to the moon, why are we still wearing nylons?!  I think we’ve proven our value as a race.  We don’t need to impress anyone with our outfits.